I’ve come to the realization that I never allow myself to be happy. The moment that I find a guy who would do anything to call me theirs, I just push them away. I find the smallest reasons to turn them down and walk away. I want to be happy. I want so much for someone to just allow someone to hold me in their arms and show me how much they love me. Why can’t I just let someone in?

Here I have this amazing guy who is sweet, loving, caring, funny, and who is constantly reminding me of how beautiful he thinks I am. He never fails to make me smile and always tells me how much he wishes for the day that he can call me his. I haven’t met someone like him in a long time, and yet there is a part of me that keeps him at arms length…

It’s your fault. You broke me. You broke me into a million pieces. Your the reason why I can’t trust anyone. Your the reason why I have built this wall up and never allow anyone over it. I can’t even express how little you have made me felt over the years or how stupid I am for falling for your every word and actually believing that you loved me.

But the saddest part is, I still miss you from time to time. I still wish I could recieve your goodnight texts explaining how much you miss me and how much you love me. I can’t help but wonder what you’re doing or what you’re thinking about…and maybe possibly if you’re thinking of me. I have to use all my strength to not text you when I miss you most or call you just to hear your voice. I always wonder if you are really sorry for all the pain you caused me. If you really do love her as much as you loved me. Are you happy? Is your new life everything you ever wanted?

At the end of the day, we can’t change the past. Things happen for a reason. I just have to accept that. I just can’t wait for the day that I can truly be happy. Maybe this new guy will open my heart to new love. Maybe he will be the one that changes everything.

Then again what if he’s not…

So I’ve been laying in bed just thinking of everything and anything…the choices I’ve made, the things I’ve done, the obstacles I’ve been through. And I’ve come to the conclusion that its okay to sometimes to be sad about the past and to sometimes just vent to someone on how you’re feeling. Even listening to songs that explain exactly how you’re feeling or songs that once meant something to you is okay. It just makes us human. Looking back at your past and reminiscing on all your memories is a pretty normal thing. It doesn’t make us weak and it doesn’t mean we haven’t moved on, it just means we had a past…I’m sure this made absolutely no sense but these are just some thoughts that were running through my head<3